11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.