Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
79.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
wtf is a larm clock?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come