[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*bites zombie*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Thoughts
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”