The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My dog learned how to text
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women