Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.