ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I need a headline like this
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
something like this could probably happen to anyone
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
yeah not falling for this one
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Yoga Matt