I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
You Might Also Like
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!