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Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
mom had nothing to worry about
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
*Inspirational Tweets*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there