Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
You Might Also Like
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?