There’s no “u” in narcissist
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*offers Batman cough drops*
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.