Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two