-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.