I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
As the Lord intended
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting