[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.