Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.