POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.