Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Erm I’m gonna say no
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.