DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Meeeee too!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.