Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.