Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝