“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’ve had worse