You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time