“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Lmbo
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.