bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Skills
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.