If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Why are bridges so flammable.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again