Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
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