That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask