How deep is your love?
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
just witnessed a drug deal
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Every work meeting this week
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes