My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.