Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I love art.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.