Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
🌱🌱🌱