Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
When someone says you are so lazy
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Good morning
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*