[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?