angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If you’re testing me, we failed.