Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.