TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
When he asks for feet pics
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The Backseat Boys
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The first matador
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy