I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part