My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
the icebreaker
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?