ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)