A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff