me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
🏙👨🏼
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.