Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit