Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits