Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.