Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.