I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…