Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
he chose this
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.