I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
This is me 🤣🤣
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.