you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Lol.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Shortcut
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’