I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
🤣🤣🤣
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
i wish i could marry a nap
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Happy thanksgiving!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.